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It’s All Your Fault

October 9, 2011

There have been a few well written, insightful articles which have appeared here lately. I thought I would end that streak.

Recently Herman Cain has revealed a simple but effective answer to America’s microeconomic woes. “”Don’t blame Wall Street, don’t blame the big banks, if you don’t have a job and you’re not rich, blame yourself!” he said. There it is plain and simple. If you don’t have a job, get one. If your job doesn’t pay well, get one that does. You have to admit, the statement is quite compelling. In one sentence, Cain (not Abel) gives you the horse blinders you need to ignore all the phoney obstacles which prevent America’s stallions from keeping their eyes on the prize. I’m not even going to make a list of the phantom excuses which you think are holding you back. (This razor sharp logic works on almost anything. Feeling sick, get better. Titanic sinking, float. Universe expanding, contract. etc.)
But what of macroeconomics? No problem there either. On any given Sunday, tune in to “The Wall Street Journal Report with Maria Bartiromo”. Every week for several years now, she’s been telling you what the main American economic ailment is; you just aren’t heeding her advice.( I should point out she is very pretty, so whatever she says must be true.) Apparently, the leading economic indicator is consumer confidence, which has been consistently low for quite some time now. Come on guys. How is corporate America supposed to spend the trillions it has been hoarding, increase real wages, and create jobs if you won’t do your part? This is even more important today, now that a third of all American households are living paycheck to paycheck, or worse. In essence, the lack of an economic recovery is pretty much all your fault. Now that you have less cash then before, it becomes increasingly important that you spend as much of it as you can as quickly as you can. Never mind that the American manufacturing base is a ghost of its former self, (go buy Chinese goods anyway), never mind Detroit designs cars you don’t particularly want; spend, spend, spend. That will show an increase in consumer confidence and everything will magically get better. Rainbows will appear, unicorns will dance, and manna will fall from the sky. I mean, it’s right there on TV every week you slackers.
So there are your answers to your economic woes. Politics is even easier. Any red blooded American can tell you, there are three problems which need addressing this election cycle.
Problem one, jobs. Easy fix. further deregulate job-creating corporate America. The current system of tax breaks combined with the overreaching proposed regulation of the banking system will strangle all the jobs and high salaries corporate America has been consistently showering us with.
Problem Two. Keep America Strong. As Mitt Romney has pointed out, this is essential. We’ve been just too pansy assed on defense as of late. As he points out, Obama has slashed defense spending (well actually increased, but I guess not increased enough) and he would increase it. I mean, only two simultaneous foreign wars; America, are you even trying? (Spending only 4 trillion dollars in Iraq, Afghanistan, and Pakistan. Chump change. World War II cost between 3-5 trillion, and that was in only 5 years! Try harder people.) Wait, Obama isn’t bringing those troops home fast enough, those wars are bad. Wait, by bad I mean there were good before, but now they aren’t. Mitt will show those other countries a thing or two. But don’t get confused, Libya was bad. Well actually it was good, but it wasn’t done good enough. It seems confusing, but in the end, it comes down to the fact that spending essentially $.50 of every defense dollar in the world is fucking amateur hour. If this seems confusing, just skip over to the main event.
Problem Three, the deficit. Now this bitch suddenly appeared out of nowhere. Everything was chugging along fine, better then fine even; (* see Bush tax cuts.) Granted, foreign misadventures were a bit of a cost increase, but all of a sudden the government in general, started spending the same it had been before. This is insanity. This is now the most important problem facing humanity since it had five fingers a hand and no thumb. This needs to be instantly rectified or a rip will form in the space-time continuum. If you take away defense spending (which as noted above, should be increased), social security, medicare and medicaid, there is 15% of the annual congressional budget to slash. So kill the social welfare programs, such as Obama-commie-care (except Medicare, Medicaid, and social security) and everything should be groovy. The goal is to get to a slight surplus. That way we can increase the tax cuts on the job creators and the affluence should start trickling down everyone’s leg. (I have no idea why blue states don’t become red states. I mean, once you are in the red club, 80% of the time, you get more tax dollars out of the government then you put in. It’s fucking magic.)
In conclusion, It’s all your fault America. There it is America, plain as day, right as rain. No worries, there is an easy remedy: Step 1, get a (better) job; Step 2, spend all your money; Step 3, vote for a politician who knows maths. If you meet someone who doesn’t subscribe to this, kick them in the nuts. (At least call them a liberal, commie, slacker, lazy, stupid, naive, unamerican, unpatriotic, whatever) Remember, there is no such thing as “false logic”, how can something logical be false?

6 Comments leave one →
  1. debaseface permalink
    October 9, 2011 6:48 am

    Kill kill kill the poor.

  2. debaseface permalink
    October 9, 2011 6:53 am

    Now that you have less cash then before, it becomes increasingly important that you spend as much of it as you can as quickly as you can.

    And leverage people! Bernanke has spent 3trillion to lower int. rates. Whip out your Gold card and buy that iPhone 5. We’ll worry about paying that debt only when the economy recovers.

  3. A. Strung permalink*
    October 9, 2011 8:35 pm

    “But don’t get confused, Libya was bad. Well actually it was good, but it wasn’t done good enough.”

    haha that about sums it up.

    Dont’ fuck with the Black Walnut!!

  4. Ktown Posse Pal permalink
    October 10, 2011 9:22 pm

    I’m pretty sure that all those major corporations hoarding all that money (fact!) are in cahoots — probably informally plotted pleasantly on the golf courses of all those conferences and high-end corporate forums held at posh, private resorts tucked away in the mountains along both coasts — and the plan is to NOT use any of that money to hire more people (after months and months of layoffs and downsizing) until AFTER the next presidential election, when “their boy” will become the LOTFW. Then, and only then, will the job market open up to support the manufactured “success” of the conservative movement. Oh, and yeah, one nation under (a Christian) god.

  5. October 11, 2011 2:43 am

    Corporate America doesn’t particularly care who’s in power so long as it benefits them. While they may seek to assist one party into office over another, they would never do so at expense to themselves. That’s the sick joke of pandering to Corporate America, the more you give them, they more they take. My implication is if both the White House and the Congress are taken by corporate panderers, the economic divide will only increase at an accelerated rate. In other words, should the laissez-faire politicians win, expect more Hoover like sucking, economic results. (I made a funny.)

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